Being youngest isn't what everyone should want to be. Your siblings are all too grown up to see you still need someone to lean to, someone to look up to, someone to complain about how your day went, to bring you out to a movie, a lunch date, to tell you stories of how they were like when they were your age. I don't have that at all. And to have four siblings, it's harder more.

All we share are distance, hatred, grudges, and lame annoyance. Everyone is above the big 2-0, but I'm barely at the last few minutes to that number. They've got memories of combing each other's hair, possess something my mother had knit while she had the time before I was born, picnic by the beach, swimming and cycling with the parents, but I don't have any. Not that I can recollect in any way. I don't have anyone to run to for comfort when I need it, no shoulder to cry on when I need one so badly. Each one of us are leading our own lives and the only time our paths would cross would be if my brother starts standing outside the toilet doors and playing his guitar while singing terribly, or if my father needs help with the wireless or transferring songs into his handphone. We don't do much together nowadays. No wait, we don't do anything, except for the special occasions when the whole family is forced to have lunch or dinner or a family function. Even so, no one talks to one another, each one would just be busy with their phones and own conversations.

I'm just saying that I'm envious for those who are the same age as me, but has a family who cares and actually show it. For those who has a family who they can turn to at times of need, and when they have something to share, their family would always be there to listen. For me? I doubt that will ever happen. Both my parents are working every day, sometimes during the weekends, my eldest sister is thousand miles away, my second sister's world only revolves around her fiancee, money, fame, brands, my brother is serving his national service and only comes home twice a week. When I wake up in the morning, no one is home. Everyone is working, and I depend on myself for so many things. When I come home, my parents are sleeping in front of the television set (while it's still on) and peacock's either not home, or is sitting on her bed on her laptop. And because I'm the youngest one, sometimes when the eldest comes home from Perth, only the three older siblings hang out and update. I just appear as a picture on the walls; looked at but never acknowledged.

And the best part is, each time my parents are out on business trips outside of the country, I have to be thrown at some other house, even though there would be someone at home looking after me. All because I'm the baby of the family. It's as if I don't have a home of my own to stay in.

And they all wonder why I'm so private and cooped up in my own world. Why I have this group of close friends I always relate to at times of need. Why I'm often out of the house instead of in. Why I can't stay home, but instead, I head over to my aunt's place when my cousin is around. They always question why I'm like that, but who would ever understand how I feel about everything.

I wish I was the eldest of all my siblings. I've always wanted a younger sibling. Because I would give all my attention to them, treat them with so much love that if they left the house at any time, I would actually miss them. And ensure that their lives would never be like mine.

Ya. I guess I'm expressing the feelings I've been suppressing for so long, I just needed to let it all out.