It's like I haven't got the energy left to fight. I'm helpless, doing nothing while I watch myself go through it, one downfall after another. I had thought the new year would be a better one, but for 3 consecutive years, the start would always be catastrophic. Devastating, dreadful, unpropitious. Anything that is opposite of great and overwhelming. Fantastic. Memorable. Brilliant. Nothing.
Aside from the fact that the chalet did bring my spirits high up a little, but I find my energy so low these days. This is the one week where assignments are supposed to be handed in, but my laptop decided to crash at an unreasonably great timing; a few days before submit period. I had my whole entire life in there. My pictures, my music, my codings and homework, my reports, everything. Now I have to start from scratch.
I am at the verge of giving up all hope. I'm so helpless that I pity myself. I'm utterly disgusted at the same time. I don't want to go to school to face reality. I just want to stay in, in an empty house, and stare into the ceiling while I lay in bed all day and all night till I fall asleep. I ignore phonecalls and text messages from almost anybody. It's like there is no meaning in life anymore. I know that whatever happens, happens for a reason no matter how thin the line between happiness and sadness, life and death may be, but I always question myself if I am being punished for my sins, or am I being punished for what others have done.
Maybe I am suffering from depression. Pressure. Maybe all I want is the time to just stop ticking. Let me have the time to stop brisk walking. Let me have the time to doddle, stop and smell the flowers, go somewhere and just waste my time away. Let me have the time to go to my favourite aunt's place and sit and talk without having to look at the clock. Let me have the time to just relax my head for a while and let me think. Let me have all the time in the world to spend with him because time can never be by our side. Let me have the time to spend with my lovely girls while we talk about so many things under the sun.
I need a job. Maybe that will keep my mind off things for a change. Sighs. :(
ps: If you happen to call me and you can't get through, I'm sorry. I'm not really in the mood to use my handphone for a while.
This is where I portray the many unfolding chapters of my life, in mute.