jannahfied-.

there's a heart that must be free to fly. Saturday, July 26, 2008 10:43 PM

That burns with a need to know a reason why.

I messed up. I messed up big time. Once again another failed attempt. I thought I could handle it. Maybe I could. But I can't keep my emotions bottled up all the time. I don't know what to think, or what to feel. I think my heart is already broken, with wounds and scars, and damage that is beyond repair, that right at this moment, I'm feeling so lost and I don't know what to do or where to go and turn to. I've cried so much, and I know there is more. But what good will it be, tearing over something which is so complex? Either way the situation remains as it is.

I should just stay strong and withdraw myself from something which probably wouldn't work out anyway. I should just stop crying and pick myself back up on my feet. Nobody else is capable of it but me.

But no. I can't. I don't have the energy left to sustain one more fight. I've had enough, I'm tired of it. Tired of it all, that I can't do it anymore. Screw everything. I give up on everything that I believed in. It won't work out for me anyway. It was better off not knowing.

It's all my fault. I never should have allowed myself to lead astray. I should have just stayed where I am, even though I loved him. I don't have the hope and faith I used to have now. I've lost it, I've lost it all. I'm not opening up my heart to anyone, but just for my family.

I loved you, I was willing to sacrifice anything just to make you happy. You got jealous, but I tried to fix it. It's my fault, not yours. I gave you my heart, but if that isn't enough, then I'm not good enough.

Maybe after what I put you through before, this is your way of getting back at me. Maybe I deserve it. Yea, I deserved it.

I was afraid of opening up my heart again, but to you, I did. I will never understand that night we had spent together, just the two of us, when I thought you were the answer. Neither will I understand that times you've stood by my side despite everything, and told me you loved me when I was at my lowest.

I feel so disturbed. I wish I had amnesia, I wish I'm suffering from a massive memory loss. I'll feel happier, because I don't know what's going on, I wouldn't know anything. But to put a smile on my face and see everybody else smiling back at me, because I was that girl who was capable of spreading love and joy. But now I see somebody else, the one person I swore to myself I never wanted to become. I should just start practicing what I preach.

I hate being a slow and blur girl. I hate being the nice and naive girl who knows nothing. I hate it when my mind processes really slowly, it takes so long just to get the big picture. I hate it when I need people to point out the obvious to me, because I'm apparently too slow and blur to read it myself. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I just hate it.

Right at this moment, I just feel so deranged. Disarrayed, disrupted. It's so annoying. I want to go back in time, please. I wish I could rewind just a few months of my life, right back when we were still having our semestrial exams last semester. Back when I never had problems. When the happy go lucky side of me was the genuine me.

I feel as if being happy is a sin, being happy is something I'm not supposed to experience in life. I feel so suffocated. I need to breathe again. This is such an emotional entry that I feel so disgusted by everything.

I need time to sort things out, cool off, and settle down. To those who have tried to contact me, I apologize for not replying or answering your phonecalls and text messages. And to those who have stayed with me through it all, I appreciate it so much.

And to somebody else, why do you still hang on to your feelings for a girl like me? Haven't I done enough damage to your heart? I'm not worth it, I really am not. Just forget about me, please. You deserve someone better, not a girl who is so uncertain about what she wants. I don't want to hurt you again. I really don't. I'm so weak. I don't know who I am anymore. I doubt I'm still that crazy girl you knew, even though I may seem happy go lucky most of the times. Forget about me please. Forget about me.